The Dance
Good morning, my Lovelies!
It has been a while since I've blogged and truthfully, I don't know if I would be blogging right now if I didn't need to get some things out of my head. Life has been a real struggle for me lately. I hope you all have been doing well. I know that is a stretch for many of you in the USA right now, but that is a whole-ass topic that I won't even begin to discuss at the moment.
Y'all. I'm sad. I'm devastated. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces.
One of my friends passed away this past weekend. It was very sudden and at this point, I don't know the cause. He was young and healthy. He took very good care of himself - always at the gym and running those Tough Mudder races, etc. So, my mind simply cannot process how this has happened.
I wrote our story a while back and I'm so glad I did. It is one of the true stories I wrote into my newsletter-exclusive book, Truth, Lies & Fantasies. (If you would like to read it, just sign up for my newsletter. I'll add a link at the bottom of this blog.)
I don't know what I would have done without this man entering my life when he did. As I told someone yesterday, this man basically rescued me from the hell that was my first marriage and set me on the path to where I am today.
He was the first man to really see me and not just the persona I used to present to the world. He was the first man to truly see my heart, to see my soul. He was the first man to truly make me feel wanted (desperately wanted) and not just needed. I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt desired like that and he set the fucking bar that nobody has come close to reaching yet.
I suppose there are some who would say he was the catalyst for my first marriage breaking up, but they would be completely wrong. That ship had sailed long before he appeared in my life. No, by the time we met, my marriage was definitely sinking.
He was my lighthouse and my lifeguard. He was there for me, bringing light into a very dark time in my life and guiding me through turbulent waters. When my arms were tired of swimming, he held me. And when I found my strength again, he swam alongside me. Not once did he leave me as I was going through my hell. He made sure I reached solid ground safely. And when I did, his presence breathed new life into me.
And....that's enough of the water/rescue references. But you see what I'm saying here, right?
He wasn't in the best of situations, either, so I was there for him, too. We were two lost souls reaching for each other, grabbing, and holding on tightly. It was that way from the day we met until we finally parted ways.
It has been many years since we were together, but we did run into each other about 10 years ago or so. Though we'd gone our separate ways and built new lives, we'd always remained friends. Having the opportunity to talk, catch up, and reminisce about our time together was exactly what we needed when we needed it. It's funny how those crossroads intersect sometimes.
For those of you wondering, no. We only talked.
That connection was still there, though. All it took was one look and I could tell he was seeing into my soul again. There are just some ties that bind that cannot be broken no matter the years or distance between.
I've lost friends through the years and have in fact had some of my dearest friends pass away. But this one, this one is breaking me. I haven't been able to speak about this with anyone for a multitude of reasons.
I'm trying to keep in mind that we were there for each other when needed, but knowing he is no longer here has absolutely shattered me.
Goodness! I promise I'm going to write a blog again one day that has nothing but good stuff in it. But I just can't right now. Right now all I want to do is scream and cry at the unfairness of having this beautiful human being taken from his family, taken from me.
Until next time and as always,
Much love and healing from me to you,
Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)
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