I'm Just Me

Recently it was brought to my attention that I'm not the same person I used to be, and when this was pointed out, my first instinct was that I agreed with that statement. But the more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that this person was incorrect. You see, I really am the same person I used to be. I'm the same person I've always been. However, I will concede that I am different than I used to be. But I am different only because I made a decision a few years ago to no longer hide parts of myself that I felt would be disagreeable to those around me. Parts of me that have always been there, parts that I suppressed in my people-pleasing ways.

I no longer try to do and say just the right things to get people to like me or continue to like me, to make people comfortable being around me. No. I'm at the point in life where if you like me, you like me, and if you don't? Well, that's fine, too. Plenty of people not only like me as I am but love me as I am. I no longer feel the need to try to keep people in my life who do not genuinely want to be there. I no longer feel the need to put others' thoughts and opinions first in my life.

I know who I am. I know what I am. I know who I'm not and I know what I'm not. Every day on my various social media platforms I get messages telling me I'm beautiful, I'm sexy, I'm pretty, and so on and so forth. I get messages from men (and even a few women) who invariably state one or the other of these things and how much they want to get to know me. I don't get it. As I said, I know what I am, I know what I look like and while I have a few physical attributes that are amazing, I'm not the conventional description of any of those adjectives that I'm hit with daily. Yet, somehow I keep getting these messages and I sincerely do not know why.

I've tried to figure it out. Is it my sparkling personality? (Bullshit, I tell ya. I'm full of shit!) Is it my eyes? Is it those few pictures where my cleavage is on display? I read a description of the typical Sagittarius today and every attribute listed hit the mark right down the line for me. Then I read the very last description and it left me a little dumbfounded. What was it? 

Sagittarians are addicting. 

I found I had to go back and read that a couple of times because at first, I thought it was talking about my addictions. (Yes, I have them, we all do.) But that wasn't what it was saying. I can't say as I've ever thought about it, but looking back over my past relationships, whether friendly or romantic, I can actually see where this may be accurate. Is that the truth? Am I addicting?

I can honestly say that I've never had a friendship to blow up and not come back together after a cooling down period. I'm genuinely friends with everyone I've ever known. I somehow seem to be the tie that binds in many aspects of my life and that amazes and humbles me. I can say the same about my past relationships. There's only one of my exes that I don't speak to, and that is simply because at the time we parted I had a deep need to put that part of my life behind me and close the door. That door remains closed and always will be closed. 

I'm rather amazed that I hadn't seen the addiction aspect before when looking at my love life. You see, most of my exes have repeatedly tried to get back together with me. Some have wanted one night, some have wanted more, and none of them have cared that I'm married. And to top it all off? Those changes in myself that I first mentioned? It seems to be drawing them back to me more and more.

Have they seen these things in me all along? Did they know I was suppressing a part of myself? Had they seen it shimmering beneath the surface and known that it was only a matter of time before I opened the door and released my light?

I have so many questions and I need answers! But, please know this: No matter what?

I'm just me.

As always...

Much love from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)