To Be or Not To Be

 I had said that I wasn't going to Blog more than once per week and that is still my intention, but I have so much on my mind this morning and I need an outlet. Welcome to my chaos!

For you to understand my turmoil, you have to first have some understanding of me. Now, if you have followed along from day one, you know a little of my people-pleasing background. For you newbies, just know that throughout my life I have rarely done anything for myself, always keeping in mind the ramifications of my actions as pertains to those around me.

I was always the "good girl" growing up, at least until college. College brought out the best and worst in me. My older brother rocked the boat enough in our house and I always felt that I had to be the go-between, the voice of reason, the dependable kid, and in doing so, I suppressed my actions, I suppressed my voice. It took me many, many years to realize how unfair I had been to myself and how unfair it had been of those around me to expect me to behave as such. Please believe me when I say I was expected to behave this way, to be meek, the good little mouse in the corner never scurrying out of my lane to see if there were different cheeses out there.

Over time and through an unimaginable amount of self-discovery, I found that I was sick and tired of the plain old American cheese that had been responsible for my survival. I'm not certain how this suddenly ended up about cheese, but hopefully, you get the idea that after many, many years, I have finally started coming into my own. I've finally started being true to myself, true to who I want to be, true to who I have always wanted to be, true to who I have always been deep inside.

This past Saturday I did something for myself. It was completely an impulse action, but I absolutely love that I decided I wanted something and just went and got it. Those moments have been rare, few and far between. Yes, I got my nose pierced. Now, maybe I didn't think about how this would affect those around me (one of those damn Sagittarius traits), but in my mind, this was my body, my choice and just another part of me becoming me.

Needless to say, this did not go over well. While my children thought it was really cool, my husband lost his shit. You see, he does not like piercings (with the exception of ears) and he despises tattoos. You see, this tiny stud in my nose has now opened up a deluge of crap surrounding the way I wish to express myself and the self-awareness that I have finally begun to actualize.

People grow, people change. I have drilled this into my children's heads from the time they started forming sentences. What you like today you may not like tomorrow, and so on and so forth. Oh, and my favorite, "never say never." You see at one time I would have said that I would never have a tattoo. After taking that leap and getting my first I realized just how much I loved that form of self-expression and I'm beyond excited for my next (and the three or four others that I have picked out.)

It seems now that we are at an impasse. I've been offered a compromise - either the piercing or the tattoo. My question now is, if I compromise, what am I really compromising?

If you respond to this, please keep in mind that my actions were not nor have they ever been done with malice in mind. I don't and never want to hurt my husband with what I do or say. But if I sacrifice what I want to keep the peace and make him happy, what am I really sacrificing?

As always...

Much love from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)