Here I Go Again

There's that blank page again. Staring at me. Daring me to change the pure simplicity of the clean, fresh, white page into something fun, useful, interesting. Pristine, the page challenges me to put my thoughts into words. It pecks at my subconscious, a steady dripping faucet in a silent house. What can I share with you today? How am I feeling? What tidbit can I pass along to you? 

To start with, greetings, my Lovelies! (Yes. I decided on a nickname for you all and after much consideration, Lovelies seems apt.) I have so many directions I can take this blog, but I'm finding that I really enjoy the randomness of my topics. When I started this I assumed that I would be talking quite a bit about my books, and/or explicit topics and situations, hence the warning each time you pop in to read the fruition of my insanity.

However, if you have been with me since day one or have read through my past blogs, you can see that I've let my mood and current events/situations guide my path. Maybe it is a good thing that my brain tends to go in so many different directions at once? 

So for those of you who don't know me personally, let me fill you in on a little secret. I'm old. I don't think it had fully hit me just how old until I was looking at Facebook memories this morning and I saw where I was part of the planning committee for my 20-year high school reunion... That memory was from ten years ago. I swear I felt like someone had walked up to me and bitch-slapped me.

How the hell can it be that I graduated almost 30 years ago? I don't feel old. (Well, not all the time.) I just feel like me. Am I wiser? Absolutely. Do I see the value in things more clearly? Definitely. Have I learned and grown as I've gotten older? Beyond a doubt.

Am I more fun, open, honest, and a joy to be around? Fuck yeah. (Don't get me wrong. 17-year-old me was fun, but I had majorly conflicting issues which caused me to hold my true self in check.)

Of course, once I realized that I was coming up on a milestone, I had to take a trip down memory lane. All the years of running up and down the high school stairs, racing from one class to another, hoping that in my mad dash between classes I would get a glimpse of my current crush. Making a trip by my friends' lockers just so that we could quickly share the latest gossip or make plans for the weekend. The grueling hours spent in the classroom with teachers who loved us and taught us even though they had to have known that one wrong word might send us into a hormonal rage. (Teenage hormones are so much fun!)

Friday night football games and dances where nobody danced. Band trips and competitions. Ah, yes, definitely the band trips. Those four years were hard but they were fun and they gave me a foundation that I've built upon. Would I go back? Yes. No. Ok, so my answer is yes and no. 

No, I do not want to go through some of the shit I went through ever again. Thank God it is over and done. Yes? Absolutely yes, I would go back, even if for only a brief moment. Why is that? Well, that has to do with the friends I've lost through the years.

Car wrecks, illness, suicide? It seems my graduating class has been hit hard. I have several friends that I miss so badly, it's as if a piece of myself is gone. So, yes, I would go back. I would go back even if it was only long enough to tell each of them how much I love them and how much our time together meant to me. I would tell them how much they helped shape me into the person I am today and I would thank them for seeing the potential in me that I was too blind to see myself.

Damn it! I hadn't intended to cry today. I actually woke up in a wonderful frame of mind having gotten a decent night's sleep for a change. Yet, here I am, for the third or fourth time, crying my little heart out as I write. So, now, I'm feeling old and weepy. Yay.

Have I told you that being an empath can seriously suck? Well, I suppose that is a topic for another day. Once again my Lovelies, I thank you for your time.

Much love from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)