Alone

Good Saturday morning, my Lovelies! I come to you this morning relaxed and somewhat refreshed. I awoke this morning to the sounds of the surf breaking as it collided with the shoreline, and a bright glow rising from across the ocean, glistening upon the frigid waters of the Atlantic. It is 30 degrees here this morning and much too cold to do what I would really like to do. What is that? Well, I'd really love to sit on the balcony overlooking the ocean, a cup of coffee in hand, laptop at the ready, and purge myself of all that has been running through my head for days on end.

Alas, I will have to satisfy myself with the sights and sounds around me from the cozy comforts of the adorable little condo I rented for the weekend. I'm alone, I'm warm, I have coffee, I have my laptop, I have my music, and maybe best of all? I have time. I have time to do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and I can do it completely uninterrupted.

I spend so much of my day-to-day existence doing and caring for others that I often neglect myself. This puts my psyche in almost constant turmoil. My ID and my Ego battle relentlessly at times and, damn it, it can absolutely exhaust me. For those of you unfamiliar with ID and Ego, I apologize. Basically, my ID (Inner Desires) and Ego (my conscience), hate each other. 

Maybe hate is too strong of a word to describe their relationship. Maybe a better description would be that they reluctantly tolerate each other. Truly, that may be generous. 

I love my family and they are everything to me. They come first and foremost in every aspect of my life. However, I'm finding that the older I get, and the more I'm pulled in multiple directions, the more I need to listen to my ID. I needed this time away from them. I needed this time away from everyone. I needed this time to do as I please. I needed to refill and recharge my tank so that I could continue to care and provide for my family, continue to work, and continue to write. 

Yes, writing helps me satisfy my ID. Not only do I get to be creative and let my inner thoughts flow through me, but it helps me to realize just what wants and needs I have that fuel my ID. The more I explore my ID, the more I discover that I'm not necessarily traditional with those wants and needs. And while I know that some of those desires may never become a reality, I can at least access and explore them through another avenue. Putting my thoughts down, getting them out of my mind, is freeing, and it helps me to clear out the clutter, so to speak.

So why did I need to get away to be able to write and let my creative process flow freely? Lately, it seems that every time I get out my laptop and open my current work in progress, one or the other of my family members appear, needing or wanting my attention. And because I love them and try to put them first, I almost always stop what I'm doing to talk to them or see what they need. 

My children especially, as they are teenagers, rarely come to me and want to just sit and talk. When they do, I stop and take those rare moments to connect with them. Dealing with COVID and the changes it has brought to our lives has made things especially hard for them, maybe moreso for my youngest as she doesn't have the licensed driver freedom that her older sister does. So when they appear, I listen. And, of course, it seems to happen most times when I'm trying to write.

Every now and then the constant demands on me, on my time, begin to overwhelm me. I don't resent this, not at all, but it can be unbelievably frustrating. I hope and believe taking small breaks like this, on occasion, may very well make me a better mother, better wife, better employee, and better author.

And, now, I will leave you with the knowledge that I'm enjoying my third cup of coffee and I'm about to have my breakfast. Yes, my ID has taken over again. I'm having cookies for breakfast and I don't care what anyone says or thinks.

 

Have an amazing weekend!

As always,

Much love from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)