I Don't Want to Be

Good morning, my Lovelies!

I awoke this morning in a complete state of confusion. This would be the second day in a row that I've been sleeping hard enough when my alarm sounded that I momentarily forgot my own name, where I was at, and what day it was. I want to say that it was a good thing I was so confused, simply because it means I was actually sleeping when that irritating noise broke the silence of my bedroom. However, it seems my insomnia has hit hard again lately, and I'm finding myself awake for a couple of hours each night, which, in turn, is causing that deep sleep and confusion in the mornings. 

The past couple of weeks have been hard for a variety of reasons, some work-related - some not, and I'm sure those reasons have played an integral role in my sleep deprivation. But no matter what is thrown at me, I somehow manage to keep going and doing. Maybe one of these days I won't have that grating noise waking me from a perfectly good sleep. Maybe one of these days I will be able to work when I want and not be restricted by the confines of a 9-5, (or 8-4:30 in my case), but I'm not there yet.

What would my dream job look like? Getting up when I'm ready, grabbing a cup of coffee, then firing up my computer as I climb back in bed to write, to let my creativity flow, and fill a blank page with my words, sharing with you the images, scenes, and conversations that constantly play out in my mind. You see, writing for a living is truly my dream and my ultimate goal. I love everything about the process. I love entertaining my readers and knowing they are getting enjoyment from my work. It makes me feel as if I'm making a difference in this fucked up world, even if it is only in a small way.

I have faith I will get there one of these days, that this passion of mine will spread and I will be able to walk away from a time-consuming job that offers no fulfillment to my soul. I have faith that I will be able to offer myself to you completely unhindered by unwanted distractions. I have faith that ultimately, my raison d'etre is to provide joy, happiness, and entertainment.

Looking back, I suppose I've always been something of an entertainer, that entertaining is and always has been an inherent part of me. You already know that I'm musical, that I play instruments and sing, but what you may not know is that as a child I danced for several years. I took ballet and tap and had there been other forms of dance offered to my age group at the time, I probably would have taken those lessons, as well.

I also had a brief stint in community theater and I wish with all my heart that I'd done more, that I'd cultivated that form of expression. Alas, my all too brief appearance on the acting stage, singing and dancing in New York, New York, never went any further. Too bad, because it was a blast!

Of course, now that I think about it, maybe my desire to entertain puts my mind and energy in a constant "on" state? Maybe that is part of the reason I find it so hard to relax sometimes and seem to resort to drastic, or in some opinions, unhealthy coping mechanisms, to truly be at ease? Maybe that's why my highs and lows seem so drastic at times? 

Whatever the reasoning, I have a feeling that after living with it this long, it isn't likely to change. What I can tell you is that being able to express myself through my writing helps me to channel that energy and direct it into something productive. So I'm going to do the only thing I know to do. 

I'm going to take my cues from Elsa and let it...flow. 

As always,

Much love from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)