Dear Daughter

Good morning, my Lovelies! I wish I could relay to you the overwhelming emotions that I'm bombarded with each week when I open up this blank page and begin sharing my soul, but I'm certain my words are lacking. You see, most of the time I've got a really good idea of what exactly I'd like to talk about, but every now and then I'm clueless. There are times that I have so many different ideas floating through my head that I can't decide which is the best topic to use. But no matter what the topic, there are always feelings of anxiety, apprehension, and happiness at the thought of sharing myself with you.

Yes, I'm anxious. Putting myself out there the way I do is definitely an anxiety-inducing situation. The mere idea that people are reading my innermost thoughts heightens my anxiety and freaks me out. Apprehension? Yes, dear God, I'm apprehensive about what I'm writing each week. Not knowing how my thoughts and ideas might be perceived makes it difficult to even begin to share with you. And, yes, happiness. My happiness comes on many levels. 

You see, it makes me happy to know that I have it in me to expose myself to you, no matter my reservations. And it makes me happy to share my thoughts and experiences with you and learn that we have shared many of the same things. It makes me happy to know that despite the fact I have shown you my crazy, you continue to come back and read and support me.

I'm not sure I have adequately relayed the importance of my Blog as it pertains to my mental health. The only way to give you a glimpse of that is to tell you what happened last night. You may judge me, or you may say I'm a bad parent and wife, but I can't and won't suppress my feelings and emotions any longer. It is therapeutic for me to write these things down, and sharing them with you holds me accountable.

Yesterday was a very busy and exhausting day at work. When I left the office I had nothing left to give, nothing left inside me to push me to keep going. I pulled in my driveway, parked my truck, and had the passing thought that I would finally get a few moments to myself. I had planned on writing my Blog and spending some time working on some things for my Patreon. 

I walked in the door and had barely set my things down when my youngest appeared. To give you a little background, since COVID hit, she has been home 98% of the time. She even participates in school from home (yay, technology). And although my oldest is home, as well, she is lonely. She is unbelievably lonely. COVID not only took away her physical time in school, but time with friends, as well as her dance lessons. She has no way to express things that are bottled up inside her all day. 

From the moment she saw me, until I finally went to bed (almost 4 hours later), that child's mouth did not stop. I swear there are times that child could give Chatty Cathy a run for her money. Now, I love both of my children with all of my heart, and I love to talk to them. They are interesting, fun, highly intelligent, and extremely goofy. But yesterday I did not have it in me to even sit and listen. I needed to decompress and have a little time to myself.

I tried, believe me, I tried to listen and follow along with what she was saying, but other than her telling me she wanted some new clothes, I couldn't possibly relay to you anything else she said. Not one single thing. I zoned out and all I could think was how badly I just wanted to be alone. By the time I went to bed I had been accused of being a grouchy bitch (by the entire family) and they weren't wrong. 

So to show you the importance of my Blog, it wasn't until I was sitting here writing and talking about how it is my outlet for my thoughts and feelings, that I discovered exactly what I had done. In my need for my own outlet, I had taken away and diminished my child's need for an outlet. I'll be honest, it makes me feel like shit. 

Yes, I know I deserve to have some "me" time and not feel guilty for it, but I also know how fragile a 14-year-old child's mind is, and that as an adult, I'm more capable of adjusting to situations. It is something that I'm going to try to be more aware of and take into consideration when dealing not only with my children, but others around me, as well.

Parenting is hard, y'all.

As always,

Much love from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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