Tightrope
Good morning, my Lovelies! Today I come to you from the glorious ambiance of a hospital waiting room. No worries! My mother is having some surgery and I'm here for support. Yes, I made it to Kentucky on Sunday and I've been spending the time since then laughing at my parents and their crazy, set-in ways, and remembering just why it is that I only visit a couple of times a year. You see, I love my parents dearly, but with each and every visit it becomes more and more clear why children are meant to grow up and leave home to live their own lives.
So, how was my trip down? It was fun! I spent last Saturday driving backroads, mountain roads, and roads off the path that I normally travel on my trips to the area where I grew up. It was just me, my music, and the open road. We live in such a beautiful country and there is so much to see! My stops at scenic overlooks, the curvy roads up and down the mountains, the green of the forests, the waterfall I found, and so much more, made for a road trip I'll never forget.
Did part of me wish my family was with me? Yes, of course, but for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed the time to myself. Having time to let my mind wander while I did nothing more than concentrate on the road and take in the scenery around me, was absolutely priceless.
The older I get the more I discover just how much I need that time to myself. I love my family with all my heart and love to spend time with them, but to center myself, to purge my thoughts, work through my anxiety, and process the world around me, I need some amount of solitude, and I need it on a regular basis. Do you want to know what else I've discovered? Needing that time, taking that time, is necessary for my mental health, but taking that time makes me feel like a selfish piece of shit.
Logically, I know that balance is the key, but finding that balance leaves me constantly walking a damn tightrope. And walking that tightrope all the time makes me feel like I'm always on high alert. Let's face it, for the most part, I'm a consistent, shaky mess. I'm always looking ahead, looking for slippery slopes and pitfalls, and doing so pushes my anxiety to potentially dangerous levels. What does that do? Well, it just circles me the right the fuck around to where I started with needing alone time so that I can relax, slow down, unplug my brain, and become a pleasant person to be around again. (Mostly pleasant, anyway.)
It can be a vicious cycle and if you've never experienced this, or if this just isn't the way your brain works, I'm not sure you can ever fully understand how mentally, physically, and emotionally draining the whole process can be. So when you ask me how I am and I respond with "I'm tired," please know that it may not be because of an abundance of physical activity, from over-extending myself, or from lack of sleep (though that is certainly a side-effect of anxiety). No, most likely when I tell you I'm tired, it is from balancing on that tightrope and hoping that if I fall, my safety net does its job and catches me before I crash.
What is that safety net? Well, that is my family, my friends - my loved ones. And yes, it is even all of you and knowing that no matter what crazy shit I throw at you guys, you are there pulling for me and sending positivity in everything that I do.
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