Tryin' to Untangle My Mind

Good evening, my Lovelies! I hope this blog finds you doing well and that you have been having the best of weeks. Hell, I wish this week found me doing well and having the best of weeks, too. Alas, that is not the case. I told y'all from the beginning that I was going to be open and honest with you, so here we go. 

I'm struggling this week. Actually, I've been struggling for longer than that, but this week, no matter how hard I try to look on the bright side, to find something positive, I can't quite seem to do it.  My mental health has definitely been on edge lately and this past week I've felt I was spiraling more than usual. 

There hasn't been anything new going on that I can decisively pinpoint as being an accelerant to this spiral. I mean, it is mostly the same old shit around here. Home, work, health, etc - same, same, same. There was even a conversation this week that led me to say these exact words: 

"There is no light. There is nothing but the eternal darkness which swamps my soul in depression and despair."

I don't think the recipient of that message truly got just how much I meant that statement as they made a joke out of it. But I meant every word.

This has been one of those weeks where all I've wanted to do was to find a dark room, hide under a blanket and cry. And cry. And cry. I haven't wanted to eat. I haven't wanted to drink. I haven't wanted to socialize. I haven't wanted to work (I mean, that isn't too unusual, but...). And during the minuscule amount of time that I've had to be able to write, I haven't wanted to write. Whoah. 

Me not feeling like writing was a huge kick in the ass for me and my biggest clue that some major shit was happening up in my head. Writing things down is how I get my clarity! Writing things down is how I de-clutter the never-ending conversations that float through my mind. Writing things down sparks my creativity. Writing things down makes me happy. And for me to not feel like doing the only thing that has been bringing me pleasure for quite a while now absolutely broke my heart!

I can't make it any more clear to all of you and to those around me that my writing has become essential to my mental health. The time that I can dedicate to it is not nearly enough and somehow, someway, there is going to have to be a change. 

I'm not certain what will finally pull me from my downward spiral this week, but the one thing that I'm sure of is that it will definitely involve me spending some quality time with my laptop.

Until next time, and as always,

Much love and insanity from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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