Broken Pieces
Good morning, my Lovelies! It is Saturday and as usual, my timing is off. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life so I don't know why I continue to be surprised by this. I hope you're doing well and that you are taking advantage of your day and doing something fun and relaxing. I was very lazy this morning, and though that bothers me on some level, I know that I needed the extra sleep and the time to just laze around in bed. That rest and recharge doesn't happen for me nearly as often as it should. So while I have a multitude of things I want and need to do today, I'm going to give myself a small break and know that I did what my body, mind, and soul needed.
This week I've been doing some reflecting, some looking at past relationships. This isn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. However, this is the first time that I've put the stories of those relationships into the written word. And in doing that, I've discovered just how truly toxic a few of those relationships were, beginning to end. I mean, I knew, but I didn't know. Does that make sense? It's like writing it down made me see things more clearly than I ever had.
Writing these stories down is making me see myself more clearly, too. What do I mean? Well, for years I let myself settle for scraps of attention, taking whatever tiny bit of time that the boys/men in my life would give me. Read that as: Whatever tiny bit of time and attention they would give me when they weren't busy with other girls/women. You see, I was the person they came to when nobody else was available. I was the "What are you doing?" phone call at 11:00 on a Friday night. And I, in my desperate need to be wanted, thought it was normal. I let it be normal.
Writing these stories down is making me see not only the role that my boyfriend/partner/husband at the time played but the role that I played, as well. I'm seeing the things that happened and my reaction to those things in an entirely new light. Yes, there were times that I was a victim, or was used, but many times it was because I let it happen.
Why? Partly because I didn't want to be, was scared to be, alone. Some of those relationships happened because I saw what others had and wanted it for myself. Some of those relationships happened because it was expected. Some of those relationships happened because I hadn't realized just who I was, who I was truly meant to be.
But I know that now and though I'm still searching and finding myself on a daily basis, I know who I am.
For the record, no, not all of my past relationships were bad or toxic. There were men in my life who were just what I needed when I needed them. There has been and continues to be a whole hell of a lot of good mixed in there.
Do I wish some of these relationships hadn't happened? No. Why? Because I wouldn't be the person I am today if they hadn't happened.
You know what? I kind of love her, this person I am. She's flawed, but has perfections. She's crazy, but has amazing moments of sanity. She's selfish, but gives more of herself than anyone reasonably should. She's loving, loyal, supportive, encouraging.
I don't think I could be her, be this person, without having gone through all I have.
My broken pieces have made me stronger.
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