Unanswered Prayers
Good morning, my Lovelies! You will notice that not only am I on time, but I'm bright and early this morning. Yes, my blog inspiration hit early enough in the week that I had this one written and ready to publish on Monday! I love how one week I struggle to find my words and the next I can't seem to hold them back. Anyway, I hope you have had a lovely week and that you've had a reason to smile!
So, I'm fairly certain that I mentioned after I shut down my Patreon, my intent was to take those erotic short stories and poems that I had posted (plus those I had yet to post) and turn them into a book. That is exactly what I've been doing. I've worked pretty hard on this book and there is still a long way to go, but I'm excited to see how it turns out and what everyone thinks.
The twist, if I hadn't already shared with you, is that some of the stories in this book will be true stories. I have several of the true ones written down and I have to tell you, it absolutely drained me to share the details of some of them, to remember what I thought, how I felt with each situation. But I made it through.
I do have one story that I have been holding off on writing. It is a years-long story and it is intricate, and at times, simply heart-wrenching for me. It is certainly something I'm going to have to be in the proper frame of mind to tackle.
Why? Because it involves someone who, whether intentional or not, changed the way I view myself forever. I'm not going to go into many details here, but I will tell you that this relationship happened when I was a teenager and desperate to fit in, to have what all my friends had (or appeared to have had). And because I was so desperate, I let many things slide that if they were said or done to me today, I would handle so differently.
Since I debuted as an author I have had men (and a few women), from all over the world tell me how beautiful I am. I have had people I went to high school with, who knew me well, reach out to me and tell me I haven't changed a bit and that I'm just as beautiful as I ever was.
(Let's face it, y'all - that profile picture and the other rare photos I share, are some of the best photos ever taken of me. I'm not likely to post pictures where I look like shit!)
I find it interesting that these people who knew me at that time are just now telling me this. (Where were you when I needed the boost of confidence when I was a teen?)
I will never believe I am beautiful though I have been told time and again, and after some serious soul-searching, and remembering this particular time in my life, I'm finally able to pinpoint why I feel that way. You see, having the teenage boy that I just knew I was meant to spend my life with, saying what he said to me... Well, it cut deep and that comment has stuck with me. What was it that he said?
"You would be beautiful if you lost weight."
(He was a typical teenage boy and had I known at the time what that entailed, what I know now, I probably wouldn't have let it get to me the way that it did. In fact, I probably would have given him a black eye over it. Alas, it is what it is.)
Now, I'm not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me and my teenage heart, or to get pissed at the boy. Not at all. I'm telling you this because we are told all the time that what we say and do can affect others in so many different ways, to be careful in our wording and our intent. Words, written, spoken, or thought, are powerful. So, yes, it will probably completely fuck with my mind to go back in time and write this story, but it is a story I need to share, not only for you, but for me.
The good part of this story is that everything worked out as it should have. Was he an ass for saying it? Yes. Was I meant to be with him? No. Absolutely not. Even though it hurt and I have some amount of trauma from it, I know that things happened as they were intended.
So, I'll leave you with this, if you tell me I'm beautiful and I roll my eyes or scoff, please know that it's nothing to do with you, but rather something within me that is broken. Maybe one of these days it will be fixed and I'll be able to accept a compliment as it is intended, but I'm not there yet.
(But by all means...keep trying!)
Until next time, and as always,
Much love and affection, from me to you!
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