White Wedding
Good evening, my Lovelies! Please forgive me, faithful followers, for it has been more than a week since I have imparted my wisdom, insight, and bullshit for your perusal. Work has been crazy and I have, quite simply, been too tired to think. So, how ya doin'? Y'all alright? I never know as, even though my blog is wide-read, not a damn one of y'all actually message me! (And I would love to hear from you!)
My anxiety just about got the better of me this week. Some of it was work-related, but some of it was personal. I don't know why I get anxious about my job sometimes. I mean, not to brag, but for the most part, I'm damn good at it. (I still hate it 90% of the time, but...) So, what was it on the personal front that was making me anxious?
I had to go to a wedding today. What's the big deal, right? Well, I really don't know the bride and groom. In fact, I've only met the groom once and had never laid eyes on the bride until this evening. These are people that my husband knows, and it was going to be all of his work friends there for me to sit and try to make small-talk with.
I don't know when or why it became a big deal for me to be around people I don't know well, but here we are. I was always extroverted growing up and I would say that I was still that way up until the past ten or so years. But, the older I get, the harder it is for me. I feel like I've become an extroverted introvert. If I'm with people I know well, I'm comfortable and I can open up and be myself. But when I'm with people that are new or I'm not close with, it takes me a long time to relax. It can make for very uncomfortable situations.
I guess I was lucky that the wedding itself was very laid back. It was outdoors and well, you couldn't have asked for today to have been any more beautiful. The ceremony was so relaxed that there was quite a bit of joking and kidding between the bride, groom, and the officiant. It was nice that any stuffy formalities were thrown out the window.
I made it through the service and the dinner, and though it took me quite a while to feel like I could add my thoughts to the conversations going on around me, I did finally feel comfortable enough to do so. I only wish it had happened sooner as I feel I would have enjoyed myself so much more.
I guess I overthink things. I wish it was something I could control, but I simply can't. I often find myself awake at night worrying over situations. In fact, I often plan out conversations in my head. Sometimes I even plan out two or three different ways those conversations could go. It's like I have to be prepared for what someone might say to me. (And when y'all don't follow the damn script, you completely screw me over! Ugh!)
Being taken off-guard often leads to me either saying more than I should or saying things I shouldn't or out and out saying something so fucking dumb that people question my intelligence.
It is so damn frustrating. All of you people who aren't neuro-divergent, how does that feel? Please, impart your wisdom and/or coping mechanisms to me because I swear I need all the help I can get.
Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I need more happy pills? Either way, I obviously need something.
Oooh! Before I go, (sorry, shameless book plug) don't forget that Across the Miles, the fifth and final book in the Cassiday Brothers series, is available for pre-sale now on eBook, and all forms (eBook and paperback) will be live and available to order on March 29th! Happy reading!
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