Buried Alive

Good morning, my Lovelies!

How have you been? Good? Are you drinking your water and doing all those self-care things? I hope so. How am I?

I'm here.

I could go into all kinds of detail about how exhausted I am from being the one that holds everything together and being the one that everyone depends on, but evidently when I discuss these things I come across as whiney. 

Who knew that having rational, calm discussions about what's happening in your life and how it makes you feel is classified as whiney? I certainly didn't. 

I've never considered myself a whiney person. 

I'm asked to do things at work (things clearly outlined in my job description), and I do them. I'm asked to do additional things at work, and I do them. I ask to be provided with the materials and equipment needed to do my job. If these aren't provided, I usually find a workaround. I certainly take on more than I should have to, do more than I have to, and for the most part, do so with a smile on my face.

I work a full-time job. I run my own business. Between the two I work more than 70 hours per week. I cook/prepare dinner at home almost every night. I have two children, a home, and a husband to care for. There's work to do in the home and outside the home. I drive a taxi service for my child and her friends because I'm the mom that picks up and drops off other people's children because they have THEIR responsibilities and no time for their kids and their wants/needs. I suppose that isn't entirely fair of me to say. I know some of them have jobs that don't always allow for timely pick-up/drop-off. Still, it's always me.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I'm supposed to find time to exercise, spend quality time with the kids and husband, and still find time for some minute amount of self-care so that I don't go absolutely ape-shit crazy on someone and end up doing jail time.

I'm the cheerleader, the organizer, and the audience member. I'm the grocery shopper, the researcher, the shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen, and the voice of reason. And you know what? All I want to do is scream that none of this is reasonable!

Sometimes I just want to be left alone to read a book or watch television, and I can't even seem to make that happen. Someone always interrupts me or needs me, and it is quite simply, exhausting. But somehow I do it all and I do it with a smile.

I used to get the occasional message from friends checking on me, and that has all but stopped over the past six months or so. I have a couple of really close friends that I can depend on anytime, anywhere. But everyone else? I'm always the one that reaches out first. It's disheartening that they can't take thirty seconds to shoot off a text to check in with me. It's disheartening that they can't take thirty seconds to answer a message from me until three or four days after the fact.

I guess I'm supposed to say "it is what it is" here and let it go. That's hard to do when those friends own a piece of your heart and they've carried it away with them.

I'm afraid that I have given and continue to give so much of myself and my heart, that soon there's simply going to be nothing left to give. 

If you have taken the time to read this, I beg of you, check in on your friends. Tell them everything is going to be fine. Let them know that they do enough. Let them know that they are enough.

Tell them you love them. Go ahead. Make it weird. 

Until next time and as always,

Much love and craziness from me to you!

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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