Is There Life Out There

Greetings my Lovelies!

I know I have been very absent. Believe me when I say it was most definitely not intentional. It has been several weeks since I've actually sat down to blog and I'm feeling the need to pop the top on all the things I've been bottling up. But first, how are you doing? Are you eating and drinking right? Are you getting a little exercise to stretch those muscles and keep your body strong and healthy? Are you talking to someone about what's going on in your life? What you're feeling? I hope so. We all need to be able to unload every once in a while.

Some of you may know, and some of you may not, but I'm not at home in Delaware right now curled up all snuggly in my bed. No. I received the bat signal last week and made a trip back home to Kentucky to care for my elderly parents.

It seems that my father, in his efforts to care for his wife, the love of his life for over 55 years, has been failing to care for himself. He is not well, and after multiple falls within a 24-hour period, remains in the hospital. With him in the penalty box, there is nobody to care for my mother on a round-the-clock basis. 

Yes, she needs this. You see, she has metastatic stage four breast cancer - her second round with breast cancer, I might add, and COPD. It is mind-boggling just how many doctor's appointments she has, with multiple doctors, at multiple facilities, as well as her chemotherapy treatments.

My father, who has underlying health issues of his own, has been doing it all on his own for way too long. He has refused help from anyone because nobody can care for my mom the way he feels he can. He constantly worries about her and provides for her, while putting himself in last place. 

My family and I have offered help repeatedly to no avail. He has always brushed us off, told us he has got it, or on the rare occasion that we've actually been able to help, has told us that we're doing it wrong.

My niece rushed in to care for them until my brother and I could arrive - he lives in Florida. But she has children ranging from teenagers all the way down to toddlers. (Two biological, multiple adopted, and she fosters - she's a little crazy but I commend her for all she does.) My brother has done what he can at this point and with no remaining leave time from work, has now returned to the sunshine state.

That leaves me.

I absolutely do not mind being here to care for both of them, in fact, I want to. I'm just hoping that it will be easier once we get my father home. The long hours sitting at the hospital are wearing on me. I'm trying to do it all and it is pushing me to my limits. 

I constantly run back and forth from their house to the hospital and back again. I'm up to my ears in cooking, cleaning, organizing, and trying to make their home safer for them both. Neither can walk without the assistance of a cane or walker. Their house is beautiful and spotless, but there's too much in it for two people - large furniture, duplicates and triplicates of things. They have no choice but to store some items and give themselves more room. Again, this has fallen to me to figure out. And that's fine, but damn I'm tired.

I've always been told that I'm the strong one. I am. 

I've always been told that I can better handle what the world throws at me. I do.

I've always been told that I always manage to not get too emotional, I simply step in and do what needs doing. I do.

I've had to be this way.

Truthfully, it makes me feel heartless to hear these things when that is the furthest from the truth. I feel. I hurt. My heart bleeds just the same as those around me, maybe even more so due to my empathic nature. But I've always had to hide my feelings to get the shit done that needed to be done.

The feelings are there. The hurt is there. The caring is there. It has been one of my greatest goals in life to be upbeat and smiling and to try to share a touch of happiness with the world around me. I often message my friends, family, and loved ones with a good morning and a wish to have a great day. I do this in hopes that a bit of cheerfulness will brighten their day and help to make their world a bit better, even if only for a moment.

I smile at strangers and show kindness and caring wherever I can. Sometimes it is the little things that can make the biggest impact.

Tonight, my well is dry. I'm exhausted. I've had no time for myself, no time for self-care. I've had no time to write. I've had no time to work on my business. I've had no time to process all that is happening to my family. I miss my family and friends in Delaware, and though my mother is always with me, and we are with my father as much as possible, I'm very simply lonely.

Yeah, yeah, I just complained about having no time for myself and being lonely in the same damn paragraph. I guess what I'm saying with that is that I feel as if I haven't been truly able to share this burden with anyone.

I also feel as if I have rambled with this blog, but it was very necessary for me to get these thoughts out of my head. I hope at least some of it makes sense.

It is very late and I need sleep and truthfully, I need a damn good cry.

Until next time and as always,

Much love and hope for a better tomorrow,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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