Let's Fall to Pieces Together

Good morning, my Lovelies!

How ya doin'? I hope you're well. I hope you're healthy and happy. And I really hope that you find a reason to smile today and that you pass that smile along to someone else. You never know when something so simple can make someone's day.

What's been going on with me? In some ways, nothing, and in some ways, everything. I've just recently returned from my unplanned trip to Kentucky. For the most part, it was a rough trip, a rough stay, and while I don't particularly want to talk about the reasons I was there, I do want to address something that happened.

And what was that?

I was sitting at the hospital talking to my family back home when the elevator doors opened and my ex-husband stepped out.

Now, if you've followed my blog for a long time you know that I am and will continue to remain friends with every person I've ever been in a relationship of any kind with - except for one. He must have really hurt me, right? Most people who know him would say he isn't capable of the emotional turmoil I went through with him. But when I left that marriage I left numb to the world around me.

The only way I survived was through the affair I had. Yeah, yeah, go ahead and tell me it was wrong. Whatever. I could sit here and unpack my emotional damage all damn day, but what the affair boiled down to was two friends finding comfort, compassion, and sexual relief when it was desperately needed. My friend and I (obviously) went our separate ways, but we did get together and talk a number of years ago and are on the same page about the time we spent together. We were what we needed when we needed it.

Back to the topic. So what happened when he stepped off the elevator. I hid. I sincerely don't think he saw or recognized me which was a blessing. I'm sure you're saying, Shell, it was so many years ago. What did it matter?

In one way, it didn't and it doesn't. But the panic attack I had was some serious shit. I felt this weight settle on my shoulders and a roaring began to drown out all other sounds. Everything kind of condensed down to a pinpoint of light. My heart began to race and I completely freaked. When I could finally think, I got up and stepped completely out of sight to try to calm myself down.

Luckily, it passed quickly and (thank goodness) my brother was there with me. Let's just say that my brother wasn't going to put up with any shit from my ex.

Recently, a friend said to me that they didn't feel they were made for love. I absolutely don't believe that is true, and if my brain hadn't been a complete blank from being awake and worrying all fucking night, I might have had a response for them.

You see, I believe we are all made for love. Some are made to find that one true love and spend the rest of their lives with them. Some are made to find love and when that ends, for whatever reason, find love with someone new. And I truly believe that some are made to love for a season and then go, rinse and repeat. Those people may love, and I mean truly love the person they are with. But at some point, it becomes time to move on. They may not fall out of love with that person, but they know that their time with them is done.

Maybe that seems miserable to you, but not in my eyes. I think for those people you give all the love you have to give and when you realize you have nothing left, the best thing you can do for all parties involved is to walk away.

Living your life knowing that you have loved and been loved is a blessing - no matter which form it takes.

I've said before that I don't think I ever truly loved my ex-husband. At that point, I had given my heart to someone and had it smashed into a million pieces. (And boy is that a story to share one day!) I don't think I had ever fully put my heart back together to even begin to share it with someone else.

Lesson learned.

Until next time and as always,

Much love and hope for peace, understanding, self-love, and acceptance.

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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