Nightmare

Good morning, my Lovelies!

To say that the last couple of weeks have been a test for me would be an understatement. I hope things have been much better for you in your part of the world. As of this morning, I am still with my parents in Kentucky, but I should be heading home next week.

I'm going to share something with you and I'm uncertain where to begin.

Have you ever had someone give you "ick" feelings? I'm not just talking about "eww, this person isn't for me." I'm talking about skin crawling can barely stand to be in the same room with them. I'm talking about the possibility that there is something buried deep inside you that knows this person is truly bad, or that they do or have done some seriously bad shit.

I've felt this way about someone I've known my entire life for as long as I can remember. (And before you ask, no, there is no avoiding this person, although I sometimes go for very long stretches without seeing them.) I've done my best over the years to ignore the ick feelings when they come around. I've never truly known why those feelings would arise, and truthfully, I still don't. But as time has gone by, the ick has gotten worse and has grown into full-blown panic attacks and the feeling that I'm going to throw up. It certainly hasn't helped my thought processes to know that this person has, in fact, been accused of molestation in the past. (Please note I said accused - not convicted.)

I don't know if something truly happened to me when I was a child, or if it did, when it would have happened, but I've certainly come to suspect that it might have. I have no memory of anything and nothing to really base these feelings on other than the ick and someone else's accusation. But I can't seem to stop the thoughts that it is a possibility.

Part of me says I should pursue this further - counseling or hypnosis, maybe? And part of me says, forget about it because as long as I'm not around them, things are normal, and I'm fine and dandy. I don't know.

What I do know is that if I never have to be around them again, I'm going to be a much happier person.

I'm sorry that this is so deep, but it is one of those things that I needed to get out of my head. I needed to unburden myself. Hopefully, this helps me to reset and re-center.

Until next time and as always,

Much love and hope for peace and healing,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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