Lovefool

Good evening and happy Saturday!

It has been a hot, sultry, stormy kinda day here on the eastern shore and I find that I'm thankful that my work/home life has kept me indoors today. How are things in your neck of the woods?

I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat wondering just what I'm going to talk about today so I won't keep you waiting. Today I'm going to talk about one of my anxiety causes. In fact, I'm going to talk about the root issue to most of my anxiety. Everyone all together now, say "fear of abandonment."

I know y'all are probably all scratching your heads over that one, but it is what it is. You see, I've had this underlying fear of people leaving me ever since I was a teenager. I'm fairly certain that I know the cause of it, and I'm not even going to try to hide it.

You see, there was this boy...

Don't throw your hands up at me and tell me to stop. It's the truth! When I was about thirteen I fell for a guy and I just knew that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. It is a very, very long (years long) and complicated story. We did eventually end up together, but it was extremely short-lived due to outside interference.

Basically, he was told to stay away from me, kicked out of his home, ran out of town, and not knowing that I had fallen in love with him, left without looking back. Yes, he abandoned me, but as I feel almost everything that happened was out of his control, I do not and will not hold it against him. And there's so much more to this story that I just can't/won't go into to help you realize that I fully understand this was when my anxiety issues began. Yes, he and I have talked as adults and it has shed light on so much, but even knowing what I know now, I still find myself fighting against my anxiety almost daily. 

I cannot control the intrusive thoughts and overwhelming feelings that consume me on a regular basis. I cannot control the absolute fear that I'm going to do or say something that will send those I care about the most running as hard as they can to get away from me. I cannot control the heart palpitations that cripple me with their intensity at the thought that I might never see a loved one again because of my actions. At most, I can keep the feelings subdued.

Lately, it has been getting worse and I feel as if I'm fighting harder than ever. I recently made a post on my Instagram about being sorry for being annoying with the fact that I need constant reassurance from the people in my life. But this, all of this that I just filled you in on, is why that need is there.

I've joked about being just like Tinkerbell (you know, where she dies if she doesn't get attention?) and the truth of the matter is that it isn't really a joke. Over the years I've associated attention with being loved and in my mind, if I don't get attention, I'm not loved and if I'm not loved by someone then they're going to leave me. Fear of abandonment.

So, when I see those messages left unread - or worse, read but not replied to in any way - it begins to trigger some of that fear and anxiety. I hate that I need constant validation. It can make for a miserable existence. I wish I could say that I don't give a fuck so that I can just walk away from whoever or whatever, but I simply can't.

I'm going to wrap this up by asking you to bear with me if I begin to annoy you with my messages and texts and all the other irritating shit I do. I really do try not to do that and to give people space, but sometimes I absolutely cannot seem to control my actions.

Maybe one of these days I'll be able to fully take on the role of Elsa and just let shit go, but today is not the day and I don't see where it will happen in the foreseeable future.

Until next time and as always,

Much love and deep breathing exercises from me to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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