Not Strong Enough
Good evening, my Lovelies!
If you haven't noticed, I'm trying my hardest to get back to some consistency in my life. I'm trying to get back on track with my writing, with my gym time, with my self-care, etc. One of those things I'm really working on is getting back to my blogging on a regular basis. I know I had a long time period there where it was extremely hit or miss. I'm not saying it won't eventually go back to that, but I'm trying and that's what matters. Right?
So... How ya doin'? You good? Are you drinking your water, stretching those muscles? Are you expanding your mind and horizons? Are you doing all the stuff? I hope so and I hope that your corner of the world is a bright and happy place as you're reading this.
I've had something on my mind quite a bit lately. What's that?
Toxic relationships.
Why is it that we are quick to see and point out to others that they are in a toxic relationship or are experiencing toxicity within a relationship, but yet we are unable to recognize or acknowledge that we're going through the same things ourselves? Why is it that no matter how many red flags are waved in front of our faces we're not able to see the warnings?
I look back over my life and there is a trail of red that follows me like an alcoholic chasing a bottle of whiskey. It's much easier to look back and see it than to recognize it when it is happening.
So many times I've found myself saying "no more," that I'm done when I notice certain behaviors. Then it never fails that I get pulled right back in. Although I know my mental health suffers I simply can't stay away. I'm not strong enough even though I know for a fact that I'm one of the strongest people, mentally and emotionally.
I've tried repeatedly to put certain relationships out of my mind, to end them, and not look back, but I can never seem to fully walk away. It's incredibly confusing and mentally exhausting. I know I need to cut ties, but I simply can't. And for some reason, it never fails that the harder I try, the harder it is to do.
Maybe deep down there is a part of me that truly doesn't want to end those relationships? I mean, there was obviously value there at one time, right? There was a connection that was the initial draw. It's hard to give that up because I remember how things were. Or, maybe I'm just a masochist? I suppose anything is possible.
There's a part of me that wonders if maybe I feel I don't deserve any better? Do I allow it to continue because I don't feel I'm worthy of a true, deep, and loving connection? Do I allow it to continue because I think there probably isn't anything more for me out there?
I suppose I always hope that people can and will change for the better, that they will do differently, and act differently. You would think I would know by now that with very rare exceptions, that never happens.
Maybe my brain is just a fucked up mess. Your guess is as good as mine.
Whatever the case, this is where I constantly find myself and I know that no matter how mistreated I am, or how dismissive someone's actions toward me are, I'm probably not going to give up on them. It truly isn't in my nature to deem someone a hopeless waste of time.
My heart is too big and there's always going to be room for those I care about.
No matter what.
Until next time and as always,
Much love and deep understanding from me to you,
Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)
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