A Simple Song

Good evening, my Lovelies!

I wasn't going to blog again so soon, but I'm not having the best of days emotionally. I may publish this. I may not. We'll see.

I don't know why it hit me so hard today but I'm seriously feeling the depression right now. The weird thing is that it didn't really hit until this afternoon. I've now spent most of the afternoon and this evening holding back tears that are threatening to fall.

Depression is such a bitch. I mean, I had a great start to my day, and I got to have lunch with a long-time friend. We, as always, had an excellent conversation and just enjoyed each other's company. (And alcoholic beverages, which, goes without saying as being a good thing.) When we parted ways things were good.

I wish I knew what flipped my switch. I wish I knew what it was that caused the world to come crashing down on me, but I'm clueless. Now I'm sitting here typing all this out, drinking some Smirnoff and trying to keep myself from turning up the bottle and drinking myself into oblivion.

Maybe you need to talk to someone, Shell? Yeah, I'm sure I do. But the one and only person I really want and would talk to isn't available right now. (Or is too damn busy to respond back to me even though the message has been read, but...whatever. It is what it is.)

I know some of what has got me down is the fact that I'm not able to be at home and with my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my momma and I love that I can be here for her. It's important and I wouldn't want anyone else to do it, but it is still such a huge adjustment. 

Some of what has me down is that I have had a horrible case of writer's block. Every time I break through a wall, another appears before me. I just can't seem to get past it.

Then there's that whole underlying clinical depression thing. I should probably get my meds adjusted, but that will require me to be at home and visit with my doctor. 

I've had so much all at once and I feel like I'm losing it. I've got writing to get done. I've got editing to get done. I have books to package and ship out. I need to update my fucking resume and then I'm going to hope and pray that I can actually find a job where I can work remotely. And all of this is just stuff for me. There's still everything I need and am trying to do for Mom. Plus I'm trying to run my house and care for my family who is 900 miles away from me at the moment.

Overwhelmed and hyper-fixating on things I absolutely cannot change seems to be my modus operandi right now. Ooooh! I pulled out the Latin. Go me! (If you hear/see me conjugating verbs, send help!)

Anyway...to sum this up, I'm in a funk. I'm in a funk and I don't know what might pull me out of my funk. It's just a funked-up situation.

Y'all bear with me. You've all been super supportive and I couldn't possibly tell you how much it means to me that so many of you have reached out to check on me. My friends, family, and fans are amazing and I'd be lost without you!

I suppose we'll see what this week brings. I do have some tattoo therapy scheduled for Wednesday and I'm hoping that helps. At the very least, I'll be getting a couple of tattoos checked off my list, right?

Until next time and as always,

Much love and alcohol-induced ramblings from me to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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