Crazy

Good evening, my Lovelies!

Gracious! I hardly know where to begin. This is my first blog of the new year and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to acknowledge everyone who started reading and following my blog over the past year. I've gained some amazing followers and new friends and I'm thankful to each and every one of you.

The past year brought many changes and challenges. It also brought some heartbreak, but at the same time, it brought many heart smiles. I had many blessings and I'm grateful for them all.

So what is it that I want to talk to you about tonight? I think I've touched on this before, but if you don't already know, I'm a very insecure person. I've had friends, family, and people that I love, to just walk away without looking back. I've always wondered what I did that made them leave or what I didn't do to make them want to stay. I've tried repeatedly to tell myself that their leaving falls on them and not me, but I'm so damn hard on myself that I can't see anything other than it is my fault somehow. 

My fear of abandonment is crippling at times.

My insecurities, while well-founded because of my past, always make me come across as needy. As I do some self-evaluation, I suppose it is true. I am needy. I have an overwhelming need for communication. I need constant reassurance. I need to know how people feel about me and that they WANT me in their lives.

Let me let you in on a little something here...I HATE THAT I'M THIS WAY! It breaks my heart that I can't just let things go, that I can't just let whatever is going to happen, happen without worrying over it.

I spend quite a bit of time being miserable because I second guess what is said to me and worry over what isn't said to me. I wish I could not overthink every little thing that goes on in my life. I wish I didn't question people's actions, reactions, and non-actions. I wish I had self-confidence and self-assurance that I'm enough for the people in my life to love me and to want to stay without question, but it just isn't there.

I'm sure that my self-doubt bugs the absolute shit out of the people in my life. I don't know how to make myself think differently. I don't know how to be any other way.

I'll leave you with this; If the doubt that clouds my mind, heart, and soul annoys you at times, please know that it annoys me, too! Just bear with me. That's all I can ask of you.

Until next time and as always,

Much love and mental instability from me to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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