Nightmare (Episode 2)

Good morning, my Lovelies!

It's Sunday morning. It's game day. (Go Ravens!) I'm currently freezing my ass off and gulping coffee like it's a lifeline. I've had a rough couple of days and just felt the need to vent. I hope you are well and that your little dot on this world map is a bright, beautiful place this morning!

Nightmare. Yes, I've used this song before - somewhat recently in fact. I felt it was fitting after the night terror I had last night. Yep. Night terror. I don't have them often, but when I do, it's bad. In fact, it is so much worse than just a simple nightmare.

In my dreams, I can feel it coming. I can physically feel my body begin to draw in on itself. I can feel the trembling as it starts in my core and radiates out through the rest of me. I can feel the screams as they build. And I'm helpless to stop any of it. Why? Because along with my night terrors, I also get the joy of sleep paralysis. I can't move. Not at all.

It is such a helpless feeling. For a long time, my husband would try to wake me, but there truly is no breaking through. I simply have to wait it out. My family has gotten used to it. It no longer scares them when I begin screaming in the night. In fact, the next day they will usually joke with me about it in an attempt to make me not feel so bad for disturbing their sleep.

I've noticed that it is worse when I'm overly tired, overly worried, and when I'm pulled in too many different directions. I suppose I should have seen the one I had last night coming. It has been a long time and with all that I've been through and am trying to shoulder over the past few months it was inevitable.

I scared my mother who has never experienced anything like that before. I could have warned her. I could have told her it was a possibility. But her memory is bad enough now that she likely would never remember that I told her.

Stress and exhaustion seem to trigger them, but I'm sure you're wondering what the root cause is for these. Trauma pretty much covers it. Trauma? Yeah. Trauma. I'm about 98% sure I was sexually assaulted when I was a very young child (the topic I discussed when I first used this song for my blog). I was abandoned by the person I loved with all my being, the person I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. (Only to find out over thirty years later that he was literally forced to stay away from me. But that's a whole other story.) And then there was the mental abuse I received from my misogynistic ex-husband which culminated in him stabbing me.

There's more, but those are some highlights and it is more than enough to be considered trauma. Anyway, I guess spending the day in the emergency room yesterday pushed me past the limits of what my brain and body could handle. It was rough. And after it was over, instead of me being able to calm myself and process, I had to go calm my mother down.

I'm going to try to have a conversation with her about it today in hopes that she will remember if it happens again. I know it is wishful thinking though, because she can't remember what I say to her five minutes after I've said it.

I hate that I have them. I hate that it makes me afraid to fall asleep at times. But most of all I just hate that I scared her when she has so much of her own pains to deal with.

Until next time and as always,

Much love and mental and spiritual healing to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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