Wish You the Best

Good afternoon, my Lovelies.

I know, I know! Two blogs within one week? Crazy, right? I wish this was a happy, upbeat, encouraging one, but I'm definitely not in that frame of mind right now. Hell, I might not even publish this one. We'll see how I'm feeling after I purge all these thoughts.

I'm hurt. I'm defeated. I'm so damn tired of dealing with the same old shit.

Where to begin...

Let's start with people's words not matching their actions.

I'm having a real issue with people telling me they'll always be there for me and then when I reach out, they're not. Don't tell me you love me and want me in your life only to take days or weeks to get back to me when I call or text.

That's not very "I'll always love you" of you.

Going through your own shit? I get that. I'm here for you. As long as I'm on this earth, I'll be here for you. But if you won't even respond to me, how am I supposed to know you're suffering too? Am I supposed to guess? Crystal ball? Enter another dimension so I can Dr. Strange you?

It doesn't work that way.

I'm having a real issue with people who vowed to love me not being able to see, understand, and remember the pain I'm in. If I tell you what's going on and try to get you to understand what I'm going through, please remember that. Don't tell me you understand and then an hour later act as if you have no memory of our conversation. Don't act like you're clueless as to why I'm upset. Just because I talk with you about what's going on doesn't mean I'm magically fixed.

It doesn't work that way.

I'm having an issue with knowing my place in this world. Everything I thought I knew feels as if it has been an illusion. I feel as if I've been "allowed" into groups because someone felt sorry for me. Maybe that isn't the case, but I still have my feelings about it and they're very valid.

Ignoring someone you call a friend has the same effect as telling them they're just not that important to you. It hurts. It hurts deeply.

I have a friend who would say I need to quit expecting everyone to have the same heart as me and I know she's right, but I don't have it in me to give up on people. I just don't.

My heart is just going to continue to get trampled because I can't and won't shut people out, not even when they hurt me deeply. If I did, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

While I'm dealing with all of those issues, I continue to struggle with getting a foothold in the writing community. I've tried to build an arc team so I'll have reviews ready to go on release day. I've tried to build a Street team, a team of friends and readers who help promote me and I'm getting nowhere.

Do I have friends who plug me every chance they can? Yes, and I love and appreciate them and all they do for me. But it takes more than five people to make a difference.

I'm going to be brutally honest with you right now. Jaxon's Fate comes out on Friday and I'm fully prepared for this release to be a flop. I've all but begged for preorders. I've talked and posted about this release until people are absolutely fucking sick of hearing me talk about it.

Do you want to know how many preorders I have?

Two. I have two preorders. And one of those is mine. (Yes, I purchase my own books. It makes it easier to pull marketing material.)

I don't know how to make people see that preorders matter. I don't know how to make people see that the more copies of my books that are purchased ON release day, the higher in the rankings those books are. The higher they're ranked, the more eyes they get on them. More eyes means more sales.

I know I have good stories. I've been told so many times how much people love them. But no matter what I do I can't seem to reach a large enough audience.

Marketing isn't my thing. I've tried and will continue to try, but I'm NOT experienced enough with marketing to get anything to work for me. I'm trying multiple different methods and working my ass off on it, but at this point, it feels hopeless. I don't think I'll ever truly reach the audience I need to make this into a career that will support me and my family.

So, yes, not only am I clinically depressed and dealing with some highly emotional situations, but I'm also feeling defeated and wondering if it would be better to just give up on my dream.

Not too long ago someone told me it was useless to share my feelings on social media. That it was useless to share with anyone other than a therapist. I was told that everyone has shit going on and nobody really cares about what's going on in anyone's lives except their own.

Maybe so. Maybe it's useless for me to write all this out. Maybe it's a waste of time and energy, but this is how I deal. This is how I work through all the shit in my head and heart. This is how I deal with the pain and betrayal.

There it is. There it ALL is. 

If you need me, I'll be listening to all the heart-wrenching songs on my playlist and crying my eyes out for a bit.

Until next time and as always,

Much heartfelt love from me to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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