Broken

Good afternoon, my Lovelies!

I wasn't going to blog today but I need to get some things out of my head. I've been in tears for the past two days and I can't seem to stop them from coming. I have a girls' night planned with friends for tomorrow and I should probably just wait and talk to them, but I can't think about anything else right now, so maybe if I write it down I can salvage something of this day.

First, how y'all doin'? Is it cold where you are? Are you taking care of yourself? Drinking your water?

Alright, here we go.

With very, very few exceptions, my entire love/sex life has been made up of men:

1. Declaring their love for me just to keep me around as a backup.

2. Expecting me to always be waiting.

3. Telling me I'm beautiful simply to see if I'll fuck them.

4. Telling me they want me and want to be with me, then disappearing. They shove my entire existence into the back of a closet where they run across me five years later and pull me out to see if I'm still functioning.

I've been left behind. I've been taken for granted. I've been discarded because someone better-looking came along. I've been told I would be so much prettier if I lost some weight. I've been told many, many things, hurtful things, that have stayed with me.

I've dated quite a bit. I've fucked around quite a bit. I've been married twice.

Pretty much the only man I've ever been with who hasn't let me down in one way or another is my friend Adam who died last November. (Yes, even my current hubby has let me down - numerous times.)

I want to know what it is about me that makes men treat me this way. I want to know why they think it's okay to break my heart, not just once, but repeatedly. I want to know why they think I will always be here and that it's okay to look me up when there isn't someone better around.

I also want to know why I keep allowing this shit.

I'm pretty sure one of my friends would say that it's because I have such a big heart and I always believe in people and give them chance after chance to make things right. (She would also probably tell me I'm highly gullible. She keeps it real.)

All I know is there is something inside me that is seriously fucked up. Years of mental and emotional abuse have crushed my self-esteem. 

I've been hurt way too many times. I've been made to feel I'm not worthy of being loved. I've been made to feel I'll never be chosen first. I've been made to feel I don't matter.

I'm tired, y'all. I'm tired of giving my heart to someone only to have them stomp all over it and then throw it at my feet. Or having them hand those broken pieces to me with an "Oops! Sorry about that." I'm tired of people assuming that I'll just get over shit and move on.

They don't realize that each scar I've been given is etched in my heart and mind. And while I forgive easily, I can never forget. These things stay with me and I'm carrying so much emotional baggage it's a wonder I can even function.

Well, I guess today I'm actually not functioning which is why I wrote all this out.

Anyway, I wish I had insight. I wish I could turn my feelings on and off at will. Most of all, I wish these men could feel what I feel when they hurt me.

If they could feel this pain, they'd never hurt another person.

Whew...okay. That was a heavy one, y'all. Sorry. Like I said, I had to get it out. Hopefully, my next blog will be a light and fluffy piece that will make you all go, "awww!"

Until next time and as always,


Much love and healing from me to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)


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Erotic Romance author. Self-published on Amazon. I love a happy ending. Yes, I mean that in more than one way.

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