Miscommunicate

Greetings, my Lovelies!

Yes, I know it has been over a month since I've blogged. My stress levels have been about to take me under. I hope you all are doing well and that life has been kind to you. I hope that YOU have been kind to yourself. We tend to be our harshest critics, whether personally, professionally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise.

(I'm sorry, y'all - this one is going to be a long one.) 

So, what's on my mind today? I suppose I want to talk about communication and how important it is. Look, I totally get not wanting to talk to people over the phone or even in person. I get that texting can be easier. Most of the time I feel the same way. And it's great for quick updates, planning nights out with our friends, or a quick check-in with family.

Here's the thing - for the majority of people - if a text is more than three or four lines, they skim over it. They don't actually read it. I'm sure there are exceptions. As an author, this bugs the shit out of me, but it is just the way it is. So, if I have something I wish to discuss that is a bit more in-depth than, "Hey! Let's meet at the restaurant at 7!" then I feel, to make certain there is an understanding on both sides, a phone or in-person conversation is better for all parties.

As an author, I can write out exactly what I want you to understand, I can go into great detail so there's no miscommunication, but not everyone can, wants, or takes the time to actually read what is said.

And many times when I try to keep it short and sweet, it leaves the door open for someone to sit and try to read into what I'm saying. If I say something, I'm telling you exactly what I want you to know. There's no hidden agenda. Yet time and again, when I send texts to people, they think I'm trying to hide something. Or even that I'm trying to manipulate.

I do not do that. I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

So, yes, phone or in-person conversations work better, in my opinion, when there are topics that need discussion and understanding. I much prefer to leave a conversation with no doubt about the point I'm making, the plans I'm making, or the way I'm feeling.

And it isn't fair to me to not give me the courtesy of a brief call to clear any confusion.

On to other things. (Yes, these two topics are related.)

I know I've briefly touched on this in the past, but I'm just going ahead and putting this out there. I know people are going to say, "OMG! Everybody has to make their trauma public these days!" and roll their eyes. But I need this to be known.

I have religious trauma. I have religious trauma, and it totally revolves around sex. You see, from the time I began to have sexual thoughts and feelings - urges - I was told that any sexual act outside of marriage is wrong. I was told that any sexual act outside of the norm (vaginal penetration) was wrong. I was told that having sexual thoughts was wrong. Basically, it was drilled in me that sex was for procreation. If you got pleasure from it, that was just a side benefit.

I always felt something was wrong with me because I wanted more. I lamented over the fact that I liked things a little rough, that I liked "kinky" things, and wanted those experiences. The fact that I enjoyed sex at all made me feel guilty, much less that I liked some of the "out of the norm" things I do.

I hid one of the most beautiful parts of myself for over half my life. I buried it deeply, and never shared it with anyone.

I carry trauma from my first marriage for more than one reason. I've shared some of that with you guys in the past, but I have never shared this.

I will NEVER ask a man to go down on me. Never. If I'm in an intimate situation and the guy wants to, that's fine. It's more than fine. I love it! But I will NOT ask. You see, I asked for that in my first marriage and was made to feel I was a disgusting person for wanting it.

I've come a long way as far as being more outspoken about what I want, but that is something I will never do. If you guys had any idea of the shame that was dumped on me when I asked...

So, just in case I've never put this out there before, I will now: I enjoy sex. I enjoy kinky sex. I enjoy trying new things. And when I get those experiences, it satisfies something within my soul.

But, just because I enjoy it doesn't mean I want it all the damn time. I do not walk around in a constant state of arousal. I mean, I have my moments, but for the most part...

I write about sex.

I talk about sex.

I joke about sex - let's face it - it can be funny.

I send and share sexual memes and graphics for just that reason.

I love to have sex.

But just because I do does not mean I'm ready to jump every man that walks by me. It does NOT consume my every thought - contrary to what some people believe about me.

And when it is assumed that sex is the only thing on my mind or all that I want, I'm instantly thrown into my past. It makes me feel shame and like I'm damaged all over again. It really and truly re-traumatizes me and I will shut the fuck down in a heartbeat.

I beg of you, if you are someone I speak with about these things, don't do that to me.

Again, this all goes back to communication. Just talk to me. That is all.

Alright, I actually need to go put my newsletter together. 

Until next time and as always,

Much love and open communication from me to you,

Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)

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